Moleskine Diary Pages - I Am Gutless

Sometimes I struggle with the entries in my sketchbooks, especially when it is as personal as this one. But in the interest of full disclosure I shall publish it.

Etching plates

 All the text is in reverse as these are the actual plates.

While clearing out my studio I came across a pile of zinc plates, some I printed, and some only proof-printed. I actually prefer the etched plates to the prints taken from them. They vary in size from post card size upwards. I was surprised how well they looked scanned, so I'll share them here.

Moleskine pages, yet more old stuff!

In order to not overwhelm the viewer I am adding some old pages in small doses, I hope you appreciate my kind consideration!

Moleskine pages.

I did this while watching the news, seeing the entire middle east rise up willing to die for a better life, is that an oxymoron?

Ultimately we are powerless in the face of time. We think we have control but we really don't. The best one can hope for is a quiet life!

I think this is to do with powerlessness. Of wanting things to stay the same. I was thinking about how the people who loomed large in my childhood are now all insignificant or dead. As a child you can't imagine your life being different.

When I was small I asserted my power and sense of self by nurturing deep seated feelings of hate towards those I feared. It was the only bit of identity I could carve out for myself. I wasn't allowed any sense of self determination. That is why I am such a screw up now I guess! Have I given away too much?

I am currently working on some 3D sculptures, rag dolls really. So I'm not working as much on my sketchbooks. I still do my double page spread a day, that is my golden rule that I refuse to break. I am posting a couple of pages just for the record.

More Moleskine pages (older ones)

I have a backlog of over 36 completed Moleskine sketchbooks thus far, and they are the only part of my work that is not for sale. Too much time , blood, sweat..blah blah goes into them and it makes it impossible to put a price on them. I do enjoy looking through them now and again, and I am always surprised by how completely I forget what I've done. It's as if they were someone Else's work and words. I did say I'd post some older pages and this is what this  is about.

Certain events in my life messed with my head and forced me to question the fundamentals of good and evil, right and wrong. It also turned me away from rigid inflexible dogma that allows people to set themselves up as judge and jury. To decide who lives and who dies and why.

This depicts some complex feelings about being a girl child in a place that favoured little princes. Of having to steal enough of the spotlight to see me through. Apparently the lack of a penis rendered me unworthy. Funny that!

These images touch on some very deep emotional subjects about my life. There are complex back-stories to each of them. I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have.

Moleskine pages: 2007-2009

I am posting some pages from my older Moleskines. my first one was started in 2003 while I was at the Royal College of art. I am struck by how different my work looks although that may not be apparent to everyone. The themes haven't changed much: life, death and in between!

Illuminated Manuscripts.

Images from The macclesfield Psalter

 By any normal standards, I can't deny that I am quite prolific!  My mind is full of  snippets of conversation, images that have stuck with me, and all manner of assorted crap . For that I feel blessed. But I am  keenly aware that quantity has nothing to do with quality, I do however maintain that the more work an artist produces the more his ideas become focused and his execution is honed and refined. So far so good. But like every creative human being that ever existed there are days where I draw a blank. My thoughts get stuck in the bottleneck of my mind. I just can't seem to pull the right image out. I have a few techniques I save for these awkward times just to get functioning again. A mental syrup of figs if you will. These include going over my sketchbooks. looking on the Internet at what other artists are doing. Reading my favourite poets like Anne Sexton and Robert Lowell. Lines of beautiful text are a very effective way to trigger images , and bring forth memories and dreams that lead me to new pastures.

Carnal Sinners, 15th century manuscript by Yates Thompson

 For the days when I feel particularly low and unmotivated I save the most potent medicine; Illuminated Manuscripts! Sadly I don't own any but that isn't a problem, I own the next best thing, a couple of big fat, beautiful anthologies of collected manuscripts. Yum!

The Lamb, By William Blake

 Strictly speaking, Illuminated Manuscripts are texts decorated with silver or gold but has evolved to include any decorated text. The earliest of these survives from 400 to 600 AD, but more usually come from the middle ages. Every rich member of society aspired to flash their wealth around by commissioning a small volume of decorated liturgical texts. There are many examples of these collected from all over Europe. The colours and subject matter are breathtakingly rich. The bored scribe entertaining himself by taking flights of fancy so original and weird, they appear as fresh and delicious as the day they were painted.

Petrarch's Vigil, c.1336 Bibliotica Ambrosiana, Milan

 This is a very large subject and I shan't bore you all by giving a lecture on the origins, collection and maintenance of these treasures. I just wanted to offer you a taste of what dazzles and inspires me. If you want to see further examples, there is the Macclesfield Psalter which is beautifully reproduced on it's own website. The 'Splendor solis', which is a stunning collection of medieval art. and many others just waiting to beguile you.

Saint Nicholas Rescues a ship, C 1410. Belles Heures Of Jean De france

 The Illuminated Manuscripts come from every continent, religion and culture. Islamic manuscripts come mainly from Persia where the Shia' sect, unlike the Sunnis who are not permitted to create images of anything living as it is seen to usurp Allah's powers, had no issue with the artistic reproduction of a living entity. You will even find images of Mohammed lovingly depicted. Japanese woodcuts and prints are in the same vein, with the flat 2 dimensional look that doesn't deal with perspective.
 I hope you enjoy these images as much as I do. Contemporary art isn't where it all starts and ends.

Splendor Solis, 1532-1535. The Prussian State Museum, Berlin

Splendor Solis

Splendor Solis

Splendor Solis

Splendor Solis

Splendor Solis

Splendor Solis

St Margaret Of Antioch. C. 1440

Fresh Moleskine pages

As part of my artistic discipline, I try at least to fill a double page spread in my current Moleskine sketchbook. I don't seem able to use any other brand as I have become used to the paper texture, the way it copes with water colour washes, and the general robustness of the books as I do put them through some rough treatment.

 

The beauty of the Moleskine books, (I am not paid to say any of this, but I wouldn't say no to sponsorship and free books as they are costing me a fortune.) Is their quality. I have heard some say the size on the paper makes it difficult to use washes, but I've never found that. I quite like the way the paper initially repels the water but eventually absorbs it leaving subtle changes that really add something to the work.

In my ' Five artist material must haves,' I neglected to deal with paper and sketchbooks. This post will go someway towards remedying that. I have in the past used just about every brand of paper and sketchbooks, and I still look out for anything new on the market. When I was using coloured pencils as a main medium I needed very smooth paper, Bristol board was my favourite. I found I could only get that in sheet form or in spiral bound sketchbooks. I would never use a spiral bound book for daily work as it would fall to bits in five minutes. Daler Rowney make some very good hardbound sketchbooks in different sizes, but the texture of the paper was very inconsistent. I was driven to distraction by it's unreliability. When I finally succumbed to the Moleskine after much resistance, ( I thought they were rather pretentious and needlessly expensive) I realised why they were so popular.

 These days I keep a couple of A4 books for working at home, One large 21cm x 13cm moleskine book for my daily prayers, and a small satellite pocket book for carrying around. I am covered for all occasions.

My current book that I started on January 16th is slowly filling up. I am posting some up to date images of the latest work. I am shocked by the change in my work from my first Moleskine begun in 2002 when I was at The Royal College Of Art. I'm sure to a lot of people it all blurs into one . One day I'll exhibit all the books in chronological order, or have them published in one volume in a way that will make the changes easier to see. Until I do, I shall publish the images here. I may do a post on my early books if there is enough interest

A new Moleskine began Jan 16th 2011

As I reach the end of a sketch book the temptation to rush and finish it can be very hard to resist! But I have learnt to enjoy slowing down and savouring the last couple of pages and making sure they are just as interesting (to me) as the first page. I do set myself a target of 8 weeks per book give or take a few days. At times, like Christmas when I am quite busy I'll stretch that to 10 weeks, but I don't feel happy about it. My challenge to myself is a minimum of one two page spread per day, so no sleep till I have achieved at least that! I put little clues on eventful days so when I look back through the book I have clear memories of what I was doing on hat day.  Having said that, once a few months (or years) have passed I can look through a book and have no recollection of any of it!
Over time I have collected a large stash of finished books that sit in the corner of my studio daring me to do something with them. I did break one of my most fundamental rules by selling one of the books to the the Aldrich Collection. I feel pretty ambivalent about that as I am not particularly attached to my books in fact I am strangely detached from them. I do though see the need of keeping them together simply as a sequence, every book represents a chunk of my life.

There is one volume that is more precious to me than the others, and it was the book that saw me through the awful last weeks of my pregnancy in 2003, the birth and then the death of my beautiful, perfect 7.5 lbs baby boy Cyrus five days later. It was that book that kept me sane. Some of the images and words are still very raw and I find it very difficult to look at them. One day I may summon the courage to publish some of the pages but I don't see the point of involving innocent bystanders in my own personal tragedy. I don't know I am writing this, it isn't something I have ever talked about to anyone other than my doctor and family , but heyho it's out there now.
Once a book is finished it joins it's predecessors on the shelf and I can pick a new one from my new pile. The feel, smell, and hope that com with a new book are one of my life's little pleasures. I'm excited, enthusiastic and full of ideas. So my new book on January !6th and I'm already 4 pages in. The book still looks and feels new , so I am still treating it with a stupid reverence that will shortly wear off ( thankfully).